Can I be real with you? I have issues. Seriously, I have issues.
For as long as I can remember, my mind has been in this constant state of chaos – jumping from one thought to the next, overanalyzing second-guessing, and asking those endless “what if” questions. I often wake up in the middle of the night and my brain just takes off – always searching and searching for clarity and certainty. But I never quite find that and end up not going back to sleep.
When I look back at my life, self-doubt has always been prevalent. I hesitated to speak up in conversations fearing that someone would disagree with me or that I’d say something foolish. I would doubt people’s advice because I wasn’t sure if they had ulterior motives. I had doubts about my appearance, trying new things, and even my career path. I questioned everything asking: How am I going to do this? Am I even capable? Am I doing this right? I even wondered if I was overthinking God’s plan for me just like I did with everything else. Instead of seeing opportunities, I saw obstacles. Instead of trusting, I doubted.
I finally realized that I had to let go of these thoughts and shift my mind from doubt to something greater than myself. This has improved over time, but it is still a work in progress.
I think that doubt is something that all of us can relate to because we’ve all encountered doubt in our lives at various times. Even the disciples of Jesus were challenged with doubt.
The passage we just heard comes from the end of Matthew’s gospel. It is rich in meaning and brings the entire gospel to a strong, inspiring, and triumphant conclusion. Given that, it is very easy to miss two important words that seem out of place: “they doubted.”
The disciples encountered Jesus on the mountain, but “When they saw him, they worshiped, but they doubted.”
Even after spending three years alongside Jesus, and seeing him in his resurrected body, the disciples still doubted. Sometimes we think that disciples are not allowed to doubt or that they should never doubt, or that there’s something wrong with them if they have doubts. But none of that is true.
In Catholicism, doubt is actually considered beneficial when it promotes deeper knowledge, encourages a more personal relationship with God through prayer, and moves us toward a faith-based action rather than a willful rejection of faith. Therefore, faith is the proper response to doubting. Doubt can be sustained in a life of faith. But when we lose hope, that’s when things become more troubling.
Did the disciples lose faith, or doubt that Jesus loved them? Of course not. They doubted themselves. They doubted their own ability. They doubted their own hearts. They didn’t understand. They wanted to know more and what needed to be done next.
Jesus always answers the same way: “I am with you always, until the end of the age. Do not doubt. Do not hesitate. Trust me!”
That’s why today’s readings are so beautiful because we are challenged to look beyond our doubt and to look in three Trinitarian directions at once: upwards, inwards, and outwards. (This correlates to the sign of the cross!)
Along with the disciples on the top of the mountain, our eyes are firmly fixed upwards toward the heavens where Jesus sits at God’s right hand. Therefore, we look up to heaven in prayer, seeking the Father’s help in all that we do as we are commissioned to carry out the work of Jesus.
But looking up to heaven is not enough. There is work to be done right here, and that’s where looking inward and outward come in.
St. Paul tells us in his letter to the Ephesians about looking inward with the eyes of our heart. This means through our faith, we see that Jesus the Son dwells within us, and our hearts are opened to a new understanding of key spiritual insights. The eyes of the heart allow us to see, however dimly, the hand of our loving God at work in times of pain, darkness, grief and doubt. We look inward so we can make try to make sense out of life’s most perplexing mysteries.
Lastly, the Ascension directs us to look outward. The Ascension is not only about meeting Jesus who dwells within, it is also about taking that same Jesus out into the world with the help of the Holy Spirit. Jesus told his disciples, “Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations…” This is meant for us as well. We don’t get the luxury of ‘standing there looking at the sky’ any more than the disciples did. There is work to be done, a world to be transformed, a gospel to be preached, and a difference to be made.
Let me conclude with a story that pulls this all together.
Jesus ascends into heaven, and the Angel Gabriel is standing there. And he sees Jesus walking around heaven and he says, “How come you’re home so early? What happened?”
And Jesus says, “Well, I was going to stay a long time with these people, but what they did was they took me out and crucified me and now I’m here.”
And so Angel Gabriel says, “You mean you failed?”
And Jesus said, “Well, not exactly, because before I left I did have a little time, and what I did was I prepared. I prepared this group of disciples who I loved and they loved me. And I prepared and I told them everything I knew and I sent them out in my place.”
“And I said, ‘Now you go and tell everyone in the whole world, and tell them that God has forgiven them everything. And teach them all the things that I taught you: how to forgive and how to care and how to love and all these lovely things.”
And, of course, the Angel Gabriel, being a little cynical, says, “Suppose they fail?”
And then Jesus kind of shrugs his shoulders and says, “I have no other plans.”
My sisters and brothers, Jesus is depending on us. Don’t let doubt hold us back! We are being called to leave our comfort zones and plant the seeds of the Gospel in the very dirty soil of this world. We are called to go places where we are not very welcome, to proclaim the Good News that doesn’t always sound very good, and to live as Jesus lived by loving and serving those in need.
The Ascension is all about living the gospel to the point that it takes root in us and totally transforms us. And if we think that’s just too much or we’re full of doubts and questions, we will find that Jesus is always beside us giving us the courage to continue God’s work by the stands we take, the poor we serve, the justice we promote, and the love we give.
May we have the strength to cast away our doubts and boldly live our lives looking upwards, inwards, and outwards. Amen!
Do you find yourself looking up at the sky? Then you may want to read this.
