It’s been three weeks since my father passed away – and life hasn’t been the same. I’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster without a safety harness, and the journey has been very bumpy, to say the least.
Honestly, I am an emotional wreck! At one moment, I appear to be fine; but then suddenly, I am not. I cry quite frequently, and it often strikes without warning. It is very difficult to explain, and I cannot even tell you how, when, or why it happens. I can’t even define what triggers these emotional outbursts. It just happens at will.
And my mind is constantly moving in multiple directions at warp speed. I find it very difficult to sleep; and when sleep comes, it is a very light sleep at that. I worry. I’m trying to be there for my mother to help as much as I can. There are phone calls to make, financial decisions to be made, and on and on. There is just so much to do!
To be completely honest, I am filled with fear. I’m afraid of how my mother is taking all of this. I’m afraid of not being able to help her when she needs me the most. I’m afraid of letting her down in her time of sorrow and need. And, I’m afraid of living the rest of my life without my father near me.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe that he is in a place where he no longer has to suffer the illnesses that plagued him on earth. I believe that he is part of the communion of saints in the heavenly kingdom. I believe that he is with me today, right by my side, helping me move forward day after day. But it is still very difficult to accept that he is no longer here – that I can no longer call him on the phone, visit him at the house, or take him to a ballgame. It just plain hurts.
And this is where prayer enters the picture. I continue to pray for the strength to follow the will of God and to do whatever I need to do to help those around me. But I also pray for courage – courage to press on, to carry the memories of my father with me always, to put my worries aside and to trust God always – no matter what.
This is not an easy thing to do, and I often struggle with battling my worries and fears. But if I can only put my full trust in God, I know that He will help me. I know that He will lighten my load and guide me through this challenging time.
I came across a poem written by Deborah Ann Belka called “Released” that has provided some comfort these past few weeks:
Whenever I’m anxious,
and life has me by the hem
I loosen up and I let go . . .
casting everything unto Him.
I simply sit back,
and let myself unwind
I relax in the knowledge
He’ll give me peace of mind.
Whenever I’m restless,
tense from my concerns
I call upon the Lord
till my stress He overturns.
I take a deep breath in,
then I let it all out
and before you know it
He takes away my doubt.
Whenever I’m troubled,
by my worries and cares
I take them to the Lord
in my thoughts and prayers.
I shut my eyes slowly,
and give to Him my ears
as I listen to His spirit
I’m released from my fears!
Isaiah tells us today what God told him: “Fear not, I will help you.” God will always be there for us, no matter what. We just need to be able to trust and to have faith – and God will provide. God will help us in ways that we can never imagine. He will not leave us to make it on our own, but be there to guide us along the way.
So today we cry out in prayer: Lord, we need your help. We know that nothing in life is to be feared with you by our side. We just need to understand. Lord, help us to understand more, so that we may fear less. Amen.
